Lots and lots of changes have happened and for the first time in a long while, I’m seeing the world from a different perspective. This time around, hopping on a plane to a distant country or even to the other side of the coast, didnt’ prompt new awareness. I was home. Settling in- to work, learning, living on my own, being an “adult” (whatever that means, ha!) Being home, engulfed by things I couldn’t control and out of my control has forced me to think, react, respond and question what I want, what I need, and truly ask-what’s good for me? Crazy thing about change, is often in the midst of the intensity, it’s hard to see what’s going on, understand the deeper meaning behind everything. I had to go with the current because it was and is the only way to survive such an intense, emotional experience and maintain a sense of stability, and normalcy of my own life… Balance. What is the right balance? I’m not sure. I’m a work in progress on balance in my life, myself.
Friends and family keep me balanced but also make me realize how I have changed, or at least my perspective has changed. To them, it seems like one day I woke up and everything was different. In many ways, it feels that way. And often, it is. One day, I’m on one side of the mountain, and can’t see a way down and the next day, I’m on the other side thinking, now that wasn’t so hard. Why didn’t I do this sooner? Fear. Fear is one of the biggest obstacles in life, if not the Biggest. Fear keeps us from moving forward or accepting change or from understanding another way of viewing life.
I know it’s been a long time coming. Change is gradual even if it appears sudden. Reflections show me how I’ve grown, gained awareness about myself, how I think and feel about myself and the world around me. I wonder how come I didn’t know this before but I wasn’t meant to. All my experiences- up till now- are exactly how there suppose to be. Frustrasting? Yes. Annoying? Sure. But learning and true understanding comes from experience and the processs. Without having any idea, I’ve been looking through a foggy lense until one day, the foggy lense wasn’t there and I realized how dirty and cracked my old lense was, my lense on life.
Change forces us to act, do things differently but often we’re all to comfortable. Tough as change is, especially when it’s not on my terms, is always good, if not excellent, even when it feels devasting.
For a garden metaphor: Logs have been turned over for the first time, I see the slugs, insects, bugs-I see the trail of where the slugs have been and where there headed with their silver glittery trail-a habitat, an eco-system, a whole world existing out of sight, out of my sight… until one day, I allow myself in.